It's a Long Life to Always be Longing
by Amael21
Summary: Hakkai suffers a relapse of death wish after a dramatic and traumatic rescue. Gojyo needs to figure out how to bring him back from the edge. I borrowed the title from the amazing Hawksley Workman. First in the 'Long Life Arc'.
1. Chapter 1

The village was not empty. The people were hiding in terror. She had survived; she had _come back_. After so long, they knew what she might bring with her, and they were cowards...

When the Sanzo-ikkou pulled into town, they were all weary, dirty and aching from three days' travel from the last village. The quartet had hopes for something a bit larger, maybe a touch more accommodating than that place had been, but this small enclave was about the same. There was only one poor inn, with crumbling white plaster outside and curling wallpaper inside; the rooms were pathetic, but they had showers and beds, so Sanzo paid for two rooms with the gods' plastic, grateful for small comforts. Well, the other three were grateful, anyway. Before ascending the stairs, they ordered a rather large meal at Goku's insistence.

After taking time to shower and change, they still had to listen to Goku whine about his empty stomach for a half hour before the food arrived. Both Sanzo and Gojyo took pains to point out, as brutally as possible, that it would have arrived much sooner had Goku not ordered so much. A young adolescent boy brought the food to their room and asked them in a quiet, hurried voice, if he might pay them to take him to the next village when they left. Sanzo immediately piped up that they weren't in the habit of hiring themselves out, at which Gojyo released a soft grunt of laughter. Sanzo turned narrowed eyes on him, and he muffled himself the best he could. Such a request naturally piqued the curiosity of the foursome, however, prompting an interrogation. What they learned from the frightened boy immediately extended their stay.

The area was home to a band of youkai who apparently felt that they could help themselves to the local women. About two months previously, the boy's aunt disappeared, presumably at the hands of the youkai. Rumour had it that the abducted women began their captivity as sport for the leader, and then passed down the line until their bodies gave out. Rumour also had it that few lived long enough to go through many hands. The fact that no new victims had been taken was a fair indication that this latest prize was lasting longer than most. The boy's uncle, knowing that his wife would not return, had left, moving on to the next village, or perhaps the one after that. The youth's cheeks flushed with shame as he revealed this. He told them that he wanted to find his uncle and try to bring him back. Barring that, perhaps he could make a better life for himself elsewhere, too.

The priest, the hanyo and the kid had all looked to Hakkai when the boy left. What they saw was the face behind the smile he habitually wore, to hide the depths of pain and grief he carried. Of course, there was no question of taking this boy with them when they left. It was equally obvious that unless Sanzo, Gojyo and Goku wanted to walk to the next town, they were going to do something about this situation.

Three silent nods directed at Hakkai settled the matter, and they began to eat. They would set out to search in the morning, when they were rested, nourished and ready for battle.

In the end, it wasn't much of a battle. It had been laughably easy to track the youkai in the forest north of the village. They were typically sloppy and ignorant, made careless by the power the cowardice of the locals afforded to them. Wherever the four men looked, the signs of the band's passage were evident, as if they were daring the humans to find and confront them. Holed up in a cave, a few had come out to jeer at the party and boast in the face of what appeared at first to be a pitiful and monumentally stupid confrontation mounted by four of the men from the village. When the realization that three of these were not villagers, in fact, but youkai like themselves, some retreated. Others, though, became belligerent and abusive, trying to provoke a hasty, angry attack in order to have the upper hand. Their numbers should have given them the advantage, but they sensed a knife-edge on these men, and they were cautious.

As if on some silent cue, two of the men held out their hands, weapons appearing in them from thin air. At the same moment, the monk's gun appeared from the myriad folds and recesses of his robes. These stepped forward, ready to launch the attack, but the one in front, dressed in green and wearing a monocle, for the gods' sake, gestured for them to stop. They did.

"I'll let you know if you are needed," he intoned in a voice like steel, and advanced alone.

He had not needed them.

The youkai fell fast and heavy before the terrible retribution Hakkai dealt out using nothing more than his own life force. Great shining blasts of chi mowed down all in their path. When the enemy fled deeper into the cave, Hakkai followed. All the others could do was to listen to the desperate pleas and death cries from the cave, and wait. After what seemed an eternity, Hakkai emerged with the girl limp in his arms.

He was completely unharmed.

They had brought her home against her protests, because Hakkai had insisted on it. The others had not even tried to talk him out of it. They knew better. She had cried and wailed that there was nothing to go back for, everything destroyed by the months that she had been gone. She had a husband out there somewhere, and Hakkai was determined to find him for her.

He had known that there was a possibility the man would reject her. He also knew that there was a possibility that he would not, and she might manage to live a happy life in spite of this. She would never be quite the same, of course, and they would almost definitely need to move to another town, but they might just be able to make it work if they wanted it enough.

Hakkai pronounced his final word on the matter: the others could stay out here in the forest if they wanted to, but he was going to take her back. It was abundantly clear to all of them that any attempt to hinder him just now would be an invitation to grievous bodily harm, at best. Rather than risk an all-out brawl with their companion, they had silently bundled the girl into the Jeep, sobbing and half -hysterical and driven back the way they had come.

The village was like a ghost town when they arrived. Their approach was common knowledge when they were still more than a mile out, and everyone there knew what task the four strangers had set themselves. The whole town waited for their return, and then cravenly absented themselves. This girl was one of them, born and raised in this tiny place. Everyone knew her but no one would help her now. Fear of retaliation, shame over her ruin, disgust at what might even now be growing within her, all justified this rejection of one of their own.

Hakkai followed the girl's directions to her home. It wasn't difficult to find in a town with only five streets. It was a very modest affair, a single floor with two bedrooms in the back, but it was obvious that pride had once been taken in its appearance. There were flowerbeds in the front, all the flowers withered now. Just a few wilted blooms remained to speak of previous beauty. The white paint was recent, and the trim was a deep shade of green. The coverings on the windows made it impossible to make out anything inside.

The girl slowly climbed out of the Jeep with Gojyo's help. Hakkai leapt out and offered her his arm for support; she was shaky from the excitement and from shock. The others hung back a bit, in order to give the two of them some privacy. This was something only Hakkai and the girl could really understand, and it demanded respect. When Hakkai and his charge reached the door, the other three followed at a small distance. All five of them could tell the moment they entered the house that something was wrong. The air was stale, and a thick layer of dust covered everything. It was small inside, but there were no walls to divide the space, so it felt much bigger.

To their right was the kitchen, with dishes stacked neatly in the open cupboards. There was a kettle hanging in a fireplace near the cupboards, and a small, rough wooden table just left of them was clearly the dining area. There were futons and cushions just behind the table, against the wall on the left. On the wall between this space and the kitchen were two doorways covered with curtains instead of doors. These led to the two small bedrooms. Gojyo unobtrusively slipped around Hakkai and the stunned girl to check inside these rooms. He didn't smell anything strange, but it wouldn't do to rescue this poor girl and then leave her to find her husband's corpse in the bedroom, now would it? There was no sign of any habitation in them, either.

When he came back, the girl was staring around, her eyes wide and nearly vacant. Gojyo had seen that look before, and it scared him. That look had almost killed him once. People always said that women were his weakness. Well, that poor creature needed some compassion. If wanting to help her made him weak, then so be it.

Gojyo sidled up to Sanzo and leaned in close to the monk's ear to whisper, "This guy didn't leave town. Everything's still here"  
Sanzo had the discretion to keep his voice low as well as he replied, "I know. We'll take Goku back to the inn and find out where he really is." Gojyo secretly thought that Sanzo looked a little too happy about that. Not that he was eager to leave here, but Gojyo could tell Sanzo was just itching to pull his gun on someone right now. Any target other than himself was a welcome thought, so he pulled Goku aside immediately and explained what they were going to do. Sanzo told Hakkai the same. Hakkai nodded tersely and turned back to the girl.

The three of them left the small, once pleasant house and headed back toward the inn. Goku opined quietly that he was actually glad to be going back to the inn; maybe he could get some food before they had to go back to the house.

"Shut your god damned belly up for once, monkey!" Gojyo snapped.

"And tell your mouth to take a hint, too," chimed in Sanzo.

"I can't help it! And don't call me a monkey, you perverted roach"

The three of them walked the rest of the way in silence, immersed in their own thoughts. Sanzo and Gojyo both lit cigarettes. Goku sulked for a bit, but since no one was paying attention, he stopped again. They found the innkeeper hiding in the pantry at the back of the kitchen. He pretended he was in there to get ingredients for supper, but he was a poor liar. It turned out he was also extremely willing to part with the information his guests were after, once he clearly understood the repercussions of _not_ doing so.

After Sanzo had tucked his gun back into the mystifying depths of his robe, he fixed his eyes on those of the innkeeper, "Does the kid know? He didn't mention this last night."

"No. I couldn't tell him. He thinks his uncle has gone away to start again, that it's too painful for him to be here after what happened. They were his only family. I couldn't tell him he was alone, now. He might have left, and I need him here." The innkeeper bowed his head to hide the tears in shining in his eyes. "I couldn't tell him," he repeated weakly.

Sanzo shook his head, his lip curling. "You are all fucking cowards. Gojyo, Goku, let's get back to Hakkai before I lose my patience with this asshole."

The three returned to the small house they had left just a half-hour before, and found Hakkai and the girl sitting at the table, two untouched cups of tea going cold in front of them. Hakkai had been about his usual business, taking care of things, and had already built a fire, boiled water, and made the tea. The girl had obviously come to grips with the fact that her husband was not there, but she sat now with her head bowed, saying nothing. Hakkai sat beside her, covering her small hand with his. He looked toward them as they entered. The question was there, in his eyes, but he was clearly not hopeful.

"He's dead." Sanzo announced without preamble. The girl's head rose, and she stared dumbly at him. Sanzo shifted his focus to her, "The day after you were taken, he went into the woods and hung himself. The note he left said only that he was too afraid to go after you, and he couldn't live with that shame"

Tears welled up in the girl's eyes, and Gojyo, who was watching Hakkai, saw something in him break at that moment. Hakkai dropped his head just as the girl threw hers back, opening her mouth to let escape a ragged cry that tore at Gojyo's heart. He wanted to help. He couldn't, no one could. Not even Hakkai, who was experiencing this hell with her just as surely as he was breathing. Gojyo bit down hard on his lip to keep from showing what he was feeling. It would do no good.

The girl's grieved cry seemed to go on for an eternity, but eventually it lost its power, and she dissolved into helpless tears. Since no one knew exactly what to do, they all did nothing. Sanzo, Gojyo and Goku simply remained standing near the door, listening to Hakkai breathe. He was just barely managing to control his rage. Several minutes later, the tears came to a shuddering halt and the girl straightened up. She looked at each of the men in turn, and thanked them for rescuing her. She then slowly rose from her chair and moved behind Hakkai to the kitchen cupboards.

The sound of a drawer opening was loud in the stillness. Hakkai's verdant eyes widened, as he was flooded with understanding. He leapt from his chair and hurled himself toward the girl. She whirled around, a knife in her hand, and plunged the blade deep into her lower abdomen. Gojyo was later amazed at the amount of blood that issued from that wound, and so quickly. He would remember that Hakkai, lunging to catch the girl, missed and they both slipped and fell heavily into the rapidly spreading pool around her. Blood splashed up onto the cupboards.

"NO, KANAN!" Hakkai screamed as he reached her, pulling her desperately into his arms. Panic infused his face as he touched her all over, first near the wound, then her face, leaving bloody fingerprints on her cheek. Her eyes were rolling back, the lids fluttering. Inarticulate sounds of grief and rage escaped Hakkai in heaves and sobs as he ran his fingers through her hair. His voice cut through the room in fragments of words, and repetitions of Kanan's name. He gathered her to his chest over and over in desperate gestures, as if he wanted to absorb her pain, her wound, her death

A gunshot rang out into the air. "HAKKAI!" Sanzo called out, "That is not Kanan!" He lowered the gun as Hakkai whipped his head around with a feral snarl on his lips, but did not put it away. Hakkai unglued was an extremely dangerous beast.

Just when Gojyo thought that things were going to spiral out of all control, he saw Hakkai's face slacken a little. Then, slowly, a modicum of reason returned to him.

"I can fix this," Hakkai sniffed, swiping his hand across his nose. He began trying to wipe the blood away from the gaping hole in the girl's belly. Gojyo was surprised to note that she wasn't dead yet. "I can fix this, I can fix this," he repeated, like a mantra, as he tried to wipe the flowing blood away from the wound. He was trying to ascertain the degree of damage, but he was fighting a losing battle. The girl lowered her eyes to Hakkai, who was leaning over her abdomen, and whispered, "No"

"Yes, I can! You don't know what I can do! I can save you!" Hakkai babbled, still teetering on hysteria.

"No.", the girl repeated.

"Hakkai," Sanzo interrupted, "She is saying she doesn't want you to. Let her go"

"NO! It can't be like this!" then, to her, "I really can fix this. It will take hours for you to die! Please let me help you…" He was sobbing again by the end.

"No. I'm not strong enough. Please. Leave me"

Hakkai threw his head back and poured forth a cry much like that the girl had made earlier. After it subsided, his head fell forward, his shoulders slumped, and Gojyo knew that the spell had been broken. Sanzo looked at Gojyo, and motioned for him to take Goku outside. Gojyo figured he could safely leave Sanzo to deal with this alone. There wasn't much chance he was going to shoot Hakkai now, in any case.

He looked around, and saw that Goku was gone. He found him already outside, around the corner of the house. "I couldn't watch," he said simply. Gojyo grunted understanding, and leaned his back against the wall. He pulled the crumpled cigarette pack from his pocket, took one with his teeth, and lit it, inhaling gratefully. He couldn't handle this without nicotine. He looked up, surprised as Sanzo rounded the corner.

"Come on," Sanzo snapped. Then he turned his back and walked away, not even bothering to make sure they were following. They did anyway.

"Sanzo, what-," Gojyo began, but Sanzo cut him off.

"Shut up. Just walk"

Gojyo knew it was useless to ask again right now, but he resolved to get an answer out of the monk later, when it was less likely that he would receive a bullet in reply.

A shot rang out behind them. Gojyo and Goku stopped. They were both turning back to the house, when Sanzo's voice cut through the air again, "Just keep walking."

They looked at each other, and Gojyo saw the question in Goku's eyes. "Just keep walking, monkey," he said, and set his jaw. Goku didn't even react to the name. He just turned with Gojyo and kept walking.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1 

The scenery here was less amazing, but at least it offered shade every now and then. They had left the majesty of the badlands behind a few hours previously for the unexceptional sights of these foothills. Though they had not reached mountains yet, still the hills rose precipitously in places, making the road a narrow alley between them. It was cooler here, and Hakkai had assured them that the next town was not far ahead, now.

Even Sanzo had relaxed a bit after hearing that, and now sat smoking in the front passenger seat of the Jeep, arms crossed, his face expressionless. The fact that he hadn't threatened to kill anyone in the last hour or so was further proof of his current benevolent mood. Even 'The Boys in the Back', as Hakkai had recently taken to calling Gojyo and Goku, hadn't been arguing. The usual protestations of hunger from the youngest of the group were being tolerated without complaint. Things were peaceful, in fact.

Yes, things were peaceful, and Gojyo was bored out of his skull. Clearly, it was time to engage in some antics. To that end, the next word from Goku, -which was, not surprisingly, "I'm" – was met with a punch on the arm from the redhead. As per Gojyo's plan, this escalated quickly into name-calling, accompanied by a satisfying amount of pummeling from both sides. This should annoy the monk as well, which was all the better.

The tall man had maneuvered into an upright position on his knees, the better to press his height advantage over the youth beside him. He had Goku's head under his right arm, applying liberal light punches to the kidneys, when Hakkai abruptly slammed on the brakes. This caused Hakuuryu to squeal in protest, and Gojyo to fly unceremoniously into the back of the driver's seat. He winced as he felt his ribs compress in a way he had never before experienced. As the Jeep halted, opposing forces grabbed him and the younger man, throwing them both back to their own seats.

"Damn, Hakkai, what the hell…" Gojyo managed to grind out. His head was spinning a little.

Hakkai's knuckles where white from gripping the steering wheel. "Gojyo, Goku, I want you to listen to me. We are nearly at the next town. Once we are there, the two of you can run off and do whatever you want, where no one else will be inconvenienced by it. Until then, I promise you, if I hear so much as one 'monkey', or 'pervert' from either of you, I will shoot you both myself. _Is that understood_?"

"Yes, sir," they chorused in identically small, confused voices. Hakkai hadn't been himself, lately. That much was obvious to everyone. They had all been trying to be understanding of that, and just stay out of the line of his fire, but it had been dragging on for weeks now, and Gojyo was beginning to become very concerned about it.

It didn't take a genius to discern the cause of Hakkai's uncharacteristic behavior, though there was nothing anyone could do about it now. He hadn't mentioned it, and none of his companions dared to bring it up, but each of them was uncomfortably aware of what Hakkai had done. It was out of respect for both his actions and the man himself that they all pretended that he wasn't behaving like an aspiring Genjo Sanzo.

Gojyo repressed a shudder as he considered these things. He knew that, had he been faced with a similar situation, he probably would not have had the guts to do what his friend had done. Then again, he had killed a_ thousand_ youkai – single-handed – when he was still a human. Then, when confronted by the brother of one of the slain youkai, this man calmly plucked out his own eyeball and _threw it at him_. Cho Hakkai was decidedly the most frightening of the four, Gojyo had long since concluded, as well as the kindest.

Perhaps it was because they were all lost in their own thoughts following Hakkai's outburst that they didn't sense the ambush coming.

The Jeep had been traveling through a narrow defile for some minutes, the hills rising steeply on either side. Small hardy trees lined the road, crawling up for a short distance, giving way to shorter bushes and eventually low scrub near the crowns of the land. The foliage was dense, an easy screen for anyone who did not wish to be seen. As the vehicle topped a rise in the road, a horde of inelegantly armed youkai stepped out from behind various hiding places and placing themselves in a ragged line across the road.

"Oh, fucking beautiful," Gojyo mumbled under his breath, as his mind automatically started counting.

Anyone near enough to the group would have heard the word 'nineteen' quietly stated by all four men, nearly in unison. Now that it was too late, they could feel the thrum of youkai energy all around them. Once again, Hakkai braked and the Jeep ground to a halt. The Sanzo-ikkou stepped confidently out of the vehicle, which instantly disappeared behind them. Hakuuryu floated up above the battleground to await the inevitable outcome.

Gojyo summoned his shaku jou, Goku his nyoi-bou, Sanzo had pulled his gun from the mysterious depths of his robes, and Hakkai, who was his weapon, simply stood and frowned at their attackers. He stood slightly ahead of the others, feet planted firmly on the dusty ground, waiting. A small gust of wind rose, as if on cue, to stir the robes of the Sanzo priest. It never ceased to amaze Gojyo when things like that happened, as if the gods themselves wanted to lend a hand in the form of clichéd melodrama. It never failed to unnerve the enemy, though.

The apparent leader of the band of youkai smirked at the travelers. "Sanzo-ikkou! Hand over the…" he began.

He was cut off by a bored-sounding priest. "Do you all get the same fucking script before you're sent out?"

Unbalanced by this unexpected question, the leader narrowed his eyes at Sanzo. He opened his mouth to speak, showing ugly yellow fangs. Before he could utter a syllable, a crack rang out, and a look of unsurpassed surprise infused his features as the bullet burrowed into his skull.

"Never mind," Sanzo intoned as he took aim at another of the youkai.

This was interpreted by the other attackers as their cue. They fanned out, which is what saved many of them from Hakkai's first blast. Unusually deadly, it took out four aggressors who were directly in its path, and one that Gojyo could have sworn was a good ten feet away, as well. Damn, but he was glad that Hakkai was on their side.

Three sped toward Sanzo, who calmly drew a bead on each, dispatching them with extreme prejudice and maximum contempt. Having one bullet left, he cast about for someone to use it on. Seeing one youkai who had apparently decided he wasn't interested in becoming dead attempting to duck behind a bush, Sanzo took casual aim and fired. His target fell immediately.

Goku's hoots of pleasure could be heard from slightly behind Gojyo. The youth and his nyoi-bou seemed to be having far more fun than Sanzo in slaughtering the hapless group that had chosen him as their opponent.

Gojyo himself had thrown out the lethal crescent blade of his shaku-jou twice, catching three of the youkai with it and sending them into the beyond. A fourth was bearing down on his right now, having taken the redhead's occupation with his fellows as an opportunity to flank him. Movement in the periphery of his vision tipped Gojyo off, and he whipped around to face this new adversary. He flung his blade out again, ending the confrontation before it even began. As the chain rattled back into his weapon, Gojyo heard Sanzo's name shouted behind him.

He turned instantly at the warning tone in Hakkai's voice; Sanzo, who had his back to the younger man, did not have time to turn before Hakkai's body slammed into his own. Goku was still busy playing with his final challenger, and did not hear the shout that had alerted Gojyo.

A final youkai had been rushing toward Sanzo, a large and vicious looking blade in his hand. He was holding the weapon in his right hand, arm slung down across his body, readying for a deadly upward slash at the back of his prey. Hakkai, who had been the only one to see it, had called out to his companion while simultaneously launching himself in Sanzo's direction. He managed to get his body between attacker and intended victim just as the youkai began his upward stroke, cutting it short, and taking the blow meant for Sanzo across his own flesh instead.

Gojyo stared on in horror as Hakkai's body turned slightly, his left shoulder falling on the blade. The stunned attacker was dragged down by Hakkai's weight on his weapon, falling to the ground as his momentum was cut short. The terrible sight of that purposeful metal lifting into the air, red with blood – Hakkai's blood – burned itself into Gojyo's eyes.

He could hear, distantly, someone calling out Hakkai's name. His legs were pumping suddenly, running to where his companions lay on the ground. Sanzo was pulling himself up now. He was turning to see what had happened. Gojyo couldn't get there fast enough; he was still moving toward them as the monk took in the situation in an instant, pointed his gun at the youkai and pulled the trigger.

The tall man was falling to his knees even before he reached them, sliding the last few feet to Hakkai's prone form lying in the dust. The fallen man was laying face up, eyes closed. Gojyo, terrified for his friend, frantically looked for a pulse in his neck. It was fast and reedy, but it was there. A sigh of relief escaped the half-breed at this discovery, but he knew there was no time to lose. Pulling Hakkai into a sitting position, he assessed the long gouge in his back where the blade had bitten into soft flesh. It was deep, and dangerous.

Gojyo gingerly lifted the unconscious man in his arms, calling out "Hakuuryu!" as he did so. The tiny white dragon descended from the sky, making flighty little noises of alarm at the state of his chosen master. He transformed immediately, and Gojyo placed Hakkai in the backseat with a tenderness that few who had never seen it would believe he possessed. Hakuuryu continued to mew pitifully until everyone was seated and ready to go.

Gojyo grabbed the map from the dash and practically threw it at Sanzo. "How far away is the next town?" Sanzo turned narrowed violet eyes on him, but he returned the glare with one of his own. "I'm in no fucking mood for your holier-than-thou bullshit, monk. Figure it out and tell me where the hell to go. If Hakkai dies because you felt like throwing attitude, I swear to all the gods there are that I will personally rip your heart out and feed it to you whole. Got that?"

His position on this matter clearly stated, he pulled the Jeep into gear and slammed his foot onto the gas pedal, mentally apologizing to Hakuuryu as he did so.

Sanzo did not deign to answer, opting instead to open the map and begin studying it. He really was no good with maps. He had just been following the orders of the aspects until now. All he had really needed to know was 'west'. Under normal circumstances, he would never have done anything under threat from Gojyo, but this was anything but normal, and the kappa was probably serious.

Fortunately for Sanzo, the town came into view within just a few minutes. He folded the map, refused to look at Gojyo and stated, "Town, straight ahead."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2 

The Jeep roared into the small town, kicking up dust as it flew down the main street. Gojyo stopped at the first inn he saw and jumped out. The others followed suit, though the tall redhead could feel Sanzo's eyes burning holes into him. He didn't even bother to acknowledge the gaze as he reached into the backseat and tenderly picked Hakkai up and strode through the front door.

He entered the small establishment and cast around for the innkeeper. Finding him standing behind a counter off to the left, he called out, "Oi! Where can I take him?" The unmistakable ring of command in his voice had the desired effect on the nervous proprietor, and an arm shot up instantly to point toward the stairs.

"Up the stairs, sir! We're totally empty right now. Take whatever rooms you want, sir!"

"Perfect. The priest behind me will pay. Four separate rooms, got that?" Gojyo spat out as his long legs covered the ground to the stairs. He didn't wait for a response.

Sanzo was still somewhat stunned at the speed Gojyo displayed during these tasks. Of course, his youkai blood lent him that, and Hakkai was seriously injured. Still, the leader of the party did not much care for being ignored and left behind. He looked dubiously up at the crumbling façade of the inn. It looked like a fabulous place to catch something disgusting.

Wrinkling his nose in distaste, Sanzo made to follow Gojyo, Goku in tow. Once inside, he glanced around. The place certainly needed some repairs, but it was warm and clean. An appetizing smell was drifting out from somewhere. It wasn't perfect, but the Sanzo-ikkou had certainly survived much worse lodgings.

Catching sight of the innkeeper behind a desk on the left, he strode toward it. "What did the other man say to you?" he demanded without preamble. The man he addressed was, by this time, covered in a thin layer of sweat, and shaking badly. His rotund form was veritably jiggling with fear, and his balding head was incredibly shiny even in this dim light.

"He said f-four s-s-separate rooms, s-sir. We're empty j-j-just now, sir. He s-said y-y-you would pay, sir."

Sanzo ground his teeth in frustration. He didn't like being so out of control. He considered unleashing his considerable irritation, but decided that he would rather have the innkeeper alive. From the look of him, he might keel over any minute now. Swallowing his anger, Sanzo pulled out his credit card and handed it to the short man.

"Put any charges on this card. We'll take the four rooms, for at least three days. It might be longer. While we are here, no one else is to stay here. You will be amply compensated. We'll need supper. The boy here will tell you what to send up. Don't skimp on me. I'll know, and I don't take kindly to being cheated. Send up two bottles of your best whiskey with the food." Sanzo turned on his heel and made for the stairs. Goku stayed behind to order enough food for a company twice their size.

Sanzo had thought about this situation for about three seconds between the innkeeper's terrified response and his own declarations. The way he saw it, the three aspects had sent the four of them on this mission. That meant that it was their fault that the only living man in the world that he actually respected was currently unconscious and bleeding. As far as he was concerned, they were going to stay until Hakkai was fixed, damn it, and those arrogant bastards were going to foot whatever bill he felt like racking up while that happened.

Gojyo managed to maneuver so that he could turn the doorknob without jostling Hakkai too much. When the latch was open, he kicked the door, and then quickly twisted to brace it open with his shoulder. He sidled into the room, careful not to knock the tall man's head against the doorframe. Gojyo didn't think it would be a good idea to add concussion to Hakkai's list of wounds.

Once inside, Gojyo placed his companion in a sitting position on the end of the bed and sized up the situation. That shirt was going to have to go.

"Man, I'm glad you aren't conscious right now, 'cause this shit is going to_ hurt_," he said aloud, though he was certain Hakkai could not hear him. He placed his right foot up on the bed behind Hakkai, gingerly leaning him against it while Gojyo turned his attention to the clothing. It took some doing to figure out the strange fastenings on the shirt. Why the hell anyone would routinely wear clothing so difficult to remove was completely beyond him; it ought to be easy in case of 'emergency', he thought.

The shirt succumbed to Gojyo's practiced fingers, opening to reveal the vivid scar, which angled across Hakkai's abdomen. For a moment, Gojyo just stared at it. Since Sanzo had come to pick Hakkai up, when he had been in Gojyo's care, he had never found a discreet chance to examine it. He took a good, hard look. It stretched all the way across Hakkai's belly, wide and angry-looking. He remembered how he had had to push Hakkai's guts back in before he could move him that night. The night they had 'met'. The acquaintance had not become mutual until a week later, when Hakkai regained consciousness. If that didn't kill him, this won't either, he thought. He was surprised to feel the desperation in it.

After some very creative maneuvering, Gojyo managed to get the shirt off Hakkai's arms, a task made infinitely more difficult by the way the sleeves suddenly got tight just below the elbow. While cursing the designer of that particular garment, he leaned Hakkai forward, supporting him with his left arm, and pulled at the shirt to remove it completely. The fabric was stuck to Hakkai's back by congealed blood, and Gojyo needed to pull quite hard in order to detach it. Most of the blood came away with the shirt, which meant that the wound reopened, and fresh blood emerged. The undershirt was much simpler, since most of the old blood had already been removed, though the long sleeves were a bit of a problem.

Gojyo cradled Hakkai in his arms once more, and moved around to the side of the bed, tenderly laying Hakkai on his back. Moving quickly, carefully, he unfastened first Hakkai's belt, then his pants, and slid the blood soaked clothing off. Last, he removed the monocle Hakkai always wore over his bad eye. Now that his patient was naked, Gojyo slid one hand under his shoulder, the other under his ass, and heaved upward, rolling Hakkai onto his stomach. One critical glance at the injury told Gojyo this was going to need a lot of care, if he was to keep infection from setting in. Moreover, the damned thing ran directly over his spine.

To avoid thinking about the ramifications of that, Gojyo made a quick inventory of the room. There was a small alcove in the back wall. Reflected in a mirror over a small bureau, he could see a door in the alcove. If that was what he thought it was, he was sure as hell glad that he stopped here. Gojyo crossed the room in three strides, opened the door, and heaved a sigh of relief. It was a bathroom, complete with shower stall and sink. Another short look around the room, and he found what he needed. He grabbed the pitcher and basin from their simple wooden stand and filled them both with warm water, then cast about for cloths and towels. He found them in a cupboard above the toilet, clean and soft. Perfect. He shoved a bunch under one arm and padded back into the main room.

He looked up to see Sanzo standing in the hallway, staring through the open door at Hakkai.

"What's the damage?" he asked quietly.

"It's pretty bad, man," Gojyo replied, "I won't know how deep it is until I get it cleaned up, but you can see where it is. That's dangerous enough." He gently put the basin on the bedside table, and then straightened before continuing, "His heartbeat is stronger, though. That's a good sign. We're going to have to stay here until we can be sure it won't get infected."

Sanzo nodded stiffly at that. "Does he need a doctor?"

Gojyo, somewhat bewildered by this unusually compliant Sanzo, shrugged. "I don't know yet. I've nursed him through worse, though."

The priest turned his head toward the end of the hall. "Yeah," he agreed, then seemed to gather his more regular caustic personality and added, "Since you unilaterally decided we should take up the whole place, I'm taking the room at the end of the hall. Supper's on the way. I'll send Goku when it arrives."

"Okay," Gojyo said, wanting to get back to the job at hand. Sanzo glanced back at him for a second, some unspoken emotion hovering in his violet eyes. Gojyo held his gaze until the blond man dropped his eyelids and turned away. When he was gone, Gojyo looked down at Hakkai's unconscious form. "What the hell was that about?" he asked, not expecting an answer.

The hanyou crossed the room and closed the door to prevent any further intrusion, turning his attention to the tending of one very nasty wound. Sitting on the side of the bed, he dunked a cloth into the warm water, wrung it out, and began to wipe away the blood crusted on Hakkai's back. After several minutes, the skin around the wound was clean, and the water in the basin was almost exactly the shade of Gojyo's eyes. Hakkai had seen blood in the color of his eyes and hair, he remembered; he said that seeing them "_spurred the epiphany of_ _my sin_." Gojyo had looked up _epiphany_ on the sly, just to be sure what the hell the dude had meant. _What a damn geek_, Gojyo thought, and smiled.

He got up and grabbed the basin and cloths. In the bathroom, he dumped the water, then rinsed the bowl out and filled it with more water. Hotter this time, since he was going to clean the wound itself. Once again, he felt relief that Hakkai wouldn't feel the pain.

Back at Hakkai's side, he washed the cut as gently as he could. It was deep, but not as bad as Gojyo had expected. As it crossed his spine, it was a lot shallower, so that was going to hurt a lot, but he probably wouldn't suffer permanent damage. Hakkai really was the luckiest son of a bitch he'd ever met. Feeling a little more at ease, Gojyo kept cleaning. Back and forth, he carried the basin, exchanging blood for water until the bleeding eventually slowed, then stopped. When he was satisfied that the worst was over, he pulled the covers out from under Hakkai and threw them over the naked man.

The redhead then crossed to the little table on the opposite wall, slumped into a chair, cradled his head on his crossed arms, and dozed off until Goku came to tell him the food had arrived.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3

During supper, Gojyo filled Sanzo and Goku in on the details of Hakkai's present condition, as he saw it. Sanzo was not impressed with the notion of having to stay in one place for any real length of time, but he understood that having Hakkai compromised on the road was far more dangerous, so he agreed to stay until the younger man was healed enough to drive. What no one said, but everyone knew was far more important than Hakkai's ability to drive, was whether he would be able to fight. 

What no one but Gojyo knew, since he was the only one to have actually seen what happened, was that Hakkai's ability might just be a moot point. Gojyo kept these thoughts to himself. There was no point in worrying the others if he was wrong. Besides, he and Hakkai were going to have a long talk about just what the hell had gone down out there, if Gojyo had any say in the matter. 

When he and Goku had finished fighting over the last dumpling - meaning Sanzo had hit them with his stupid fan and thrown the dumpling out the window - Gojyo returned to Hakkai's room with some scraps he'd saved for Hakuuryu. He could hear deep, even breathing from the door. Gojyo heaved a sigh of relief, and padded over to the bed to check Hakkai's pulse.

He was still on his stomach, so Gojyo had to bend down over him to slide his fingers between the other man's neck and jaw. He didn't know how to count the beats properly, or what was normal, so he assessed in relative terms: it was stronger and slower than before. Good. Some color had returned to Hakkai's cheeks, his face was less slack than it had been when Gojyo had brought him into the room. That was good too. Gojyo was no doctor, but each of the foursome had sustained injuries before this, and they had all gained a little knowledge of field medicine. Gojyo thought back again to the night he had picked this man up out of the mud. What had the doctor told him to do? He glanced over Hakkai's body. He was dirty from the battle, then the ride here afterward. To keep the risk of infection down, the doctor had cleaned him. That was right. More water was what he needed, then.

The tall half-breed resumed his care of his companion, going to get more warm water and cloths. He'd used all the cloths and towels before supper. There really had been a lot of blood. The innkeeper had said that all the rooms here were empty, so there ought to be plenty to spare. Gojyo quickly ran down the stairs, demanded more cloths, towels, a new set of sheets for the bed, thick thread and a needle, and was back in less than a minute. 

It took ten minutes more before the things he had asked for showed up. Gojyo busied himself with taking the food he'd brought for Hakuuryu to the closet, the shelf of which the little dragon had chosen as his roost. The water Gojyo had retrieved had cooled by the time the supplies came, and he had to get more before he could get to bathing Hakkai. He couldn't help but smirk a little at what he found when he pulled the covers from his friend's slumbering form. There was a great clean space all around the wound itself, and everything outside of that was a dull grayish colour. Clearly, Gojyo wasn't going to win the 'nurse of the year' award.  
A heavy sigh escaped him as he gazed at Hakkai's back. How many times had they been through this together? Gojyo lost count before they had known each other a year. He couldn't help but feel a responsibility toward this man, whose death he had interrupted on that wet night so long ago. There was a bond between them that did not extend to the others, and he knew that Hakkai felt it, too. Another sigh; Gojyo wrung out the cloth now sitting in the basin and began washing his comrade's body in slow, gentle sweeps.

The strokes and swipes Gojyo described across Hakkai's skin soon fell into a kind of rhythm, which lulled Gojyo's mind, and he was completely unaware that he had begun to hum a tune he remembered hearing a mother sing to her baby once, when he was a child. Concerned eyes followed his hands, looking for any other injuries that might have escaped his notice earlier. He did not find anything beyond some bruises and small lacerations that would heal well if left alone, but he could not help being dismayed that Hakkai was going to sport yet more scars from this ambush. 

Hakkai's skin was different from the hanyou's and Gojyo had always felt that for it to be covered in gnarled scars and subjected to the harsh things that so much time on the road could do to it was a shame. He thought that Hakkai's skin was beautiful – Gojyo had rarely seen its equal, even on women. Hakkai wasn't pale and petal-soft like the monk, but he didn't have the calloused, sun-browned and uneven quality that Gojyo had as a legacy of his birth and the raucous life he had led the past several years. It just seemed to him, as a connoisseur of skin, that complexions like Hakkai's didn't happen every day, and it should remain unmarred, if possible.

Gojyo took his time in cleaning Hakkai's body, refilling the water often, as it cooled, and changing cloths whenever the one he was using became too soiled. He could feel knots in the flesh of his prone friend's back, and grimly resolved to make Sanzo stay here until Hakkai's recovery was complete, and that the monk's credit card would pay for at least one trip to a good bathhouse for a massage and proper cleansing. He knew that Hakkai always felt better after an evening of soaking, but that the brunette was too polite to stay long or ask for much for himself. Well, this time Hakkai would not be asking. Gojyo would be demanding. If Sanzo didn't like it, he could fucking well walk the rest of the way without them. 

The water in the basin was lukewarm now, and very dirty, so he took it to the bathroom to change it. When he got back, he knelt beside the bed, carefully positioning Hakkai's right arm out toward him so that it lay perpendicular to his body, dangling over the side from the elbow. Gojyo dipped a clean cloth into the water and started making long sweeps down Hakkai's upper arm from the shoulder, in a pulling motion. The light from the bedside lamp made deep shadows in the valleys between the muscles, and Gojyo allowed himself to indulge in a bit of observation and appreciation.

For all his thin appearance when fully dressed, Hakkai was very well muscled. This did not surprise Gojyo, he had seen Hakkai in various states of undress a thousand times, but he did make a point of not ogling his companions in front of each other. They knew him as a womanizer, and that suited Gojyo just fine, but he learned early on that women were not the only source of solace and pleasure. He appreciated beauty in any form. Even Sanzo caught his eye sometimes – especially when he had his robes hanging around his waist, showing off that damned black shirt and arm warmers. 

Sanzo had an obvious kind of beauty in his delicately boned face, pale skin and violet eyes that Gojyo admitted to himself was very pleasing, but his personality spoiled the effect every time. Of course, Gojyo had envisioned sleeping with the monk on several occasions, but it was never out of loneliness or tenderness. He would have enjoyed mastering Sanzo a hell of a lot, but it wasn't worth catching a bullet over, and it would be awkward afterward, not to mention impossible to manage in the first place. Sanzo never did anything fun.

This was different. Hakkai's toned muscles sliding beneath his fingers as he applied his ministrations was somehow far more pleasing to Gojyo than any contemplation of Sanzo's beauty had ever been. Hakkai was strong, with thick muscles roped along his arms that belied his amiable appearance. His shoulders were broader than the monk's were, though not as large as Gojyo's own. His size was a result of his youkai heritage, but Hakkai had been born human, and his physiology changed only when he discarded his power limiters.

Finished with the right arm, Gojyo returned it to Hakkai's side, once again replaced water and cloth, and moved on to Hakkai's left arm. Now positioned so that Hakkai was facing him, he took a moment to study it while he worked. Jet-black hair framed a slightly pale face with a high forehead and thick arched brows. When his eyes were open, Gojyo knew they were a deep, startling shade of green, fringed by long black eyelashes. The monocle he wore over his bad right eye enhanced the look of the left, somehow. Perhaps, Gojyo thought, it was just that it gave Hakkai an air of mystery. Well, whatever the cause, the effect was the same. Hakkai's gaze was magnetic when he turned it on you. When coupled with his high cheekbones and strong jaw, Gojyo wondered why more women didn't try to get into Hakkai's bed. Of course, Hakkai did not want them there, but more should be trying, Gojyo decided.

The redhead's face turned dark for a moment as he contemplated Hakkai's abject refusal to bed any woman since Kanan's death. He did not understand that depth of love, having never experienced it, but surely, Hakkai must get lonely sometimes? As far as Gojyo could tell, he had never sought the comfort of anyone's bed, and he simply discarded the idea that he might ever love again. Strangely dismayed by these thoughts, Gojyo shook his head to clear it, and rose to get more clean water from the bathroom.

When he returned, it was time to wash the lower half of his friend's body. While he did this, a myriad of other small discoveries impressed themselves upon Gojyo's mind. The hollow at the small of Hakkai's back that was sloped just so, the way the definition in his legs was visible even in repose, the amazing shape of his ass, even the curve of his ankles, all fascinated Gojyo beyond his expectation. It will pass, he thought.

The sponge bath complete for this side, Gojyo dumped the basin into the sink in the bathroom and put the used cloths off to one side of the counter. A few steps had him back out in the main room, where he prepared the needle and thread he had requested for the unpleasant task of sewing Hakkai's lacerated flesh. He had never liked this part of things. There was something about the way skin would stick to the thread as it would pull through that gave him the willies something fierce. It was getting late now, and Gojyo still needed to bathe Hakkai's front and change the sheets, so he gritted his teeth and stepped toward the bed.

Some ten minutes later, it was all over, and Gojyo had a major case of the creeps. Overall, he did a pretty good job, he decided while surveying his work. It might be a little crooked, and that one part was just the itiniest/i bit puckered, but it wasn't as if Hakkai would ever have to ilook/i at it. 

Once again, Gojyo found himself grabbing his comrade's shoulder and ass in order to flip him over. He decided to ignore the feeling that gripped the pit of his stomach when he got a handful of Hakkai; maybe he would think about it later. Having already stripped off the blanket and top sheet he had ascertained that the fitted sheet was clean enough to place Hakkai's back against until he could get the bedding changed. Now he needed more water.

Hakkai's front was much cleaner than his back had been, as the front of his shirt was intact; there was still a thin layer of sweat and grime clinging to his skin, though. Gojyo started with the first warm, wet cloth at the neck, and slowly worked his way down and out to the shoulder tips. A smirk touched his lips when he ran the cloth over Hakkai's chest, and the unconscious man's nipples hardened in the cool draught that followed; finely shaped pectoral muscles and dark aureoles contrasted against pale skin impressed Gojyo's aesthetic sense, and he had to fight small urge to touch as well as look. He deliberately slowed his motions when he came to Hakkai's stomach. He could feel defined abdominal muscles under the skin, though none of that showed in this relaxed state. Gojyo spared a look at his friend's face. He was still out cold, which was good. The last thing Gojyo needed was for Hakkai to wake up and find him obviously enjoying this task.

He grabbed a clean cloth, dipped it in the hot water, wrung it out and turned his attention back to Hakkai. Whoa, he thought, good thing for me he doesn't want a share of the women. Of course, they had all caught glimpses of each other naked in the baths and so on, but they generally tried to avert their gazes, so Gojyo was unprepared for this. He didn't know whether to be jealous or impressed, so he moved on, his pace noticeably increased as he bathed Hakkai's legs.

Now that the wounded man was clean, Gojyo hastily began trying to sort out how he was going to change the sheets. He pulled the corners out from under the mattress, unfolded the new sheets, tore his eyes off Hakkai's body, where they had wandered of their own will, and pushed the unused portion of the current sheet up beside his recumbent form. Next, he replaced it with the new sheet, shoving it up next to the old one and making it as smooth as possible. The irony of his having to do this for the one person who would be able to do it properly and easily was not lost on Gojyo, and a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he rounded the bed for the next flip.

After rolling Hakkai over once again, Gojyo pulled the old sheet off, and tucked in the corners of the new one. He felt that it was probably better to leave the injury open to the air for tonight, so he left Hakkai lying on his belly. Now it was a simple matter of draping the new sheet and blanket over his body in some semblance of neatness and Gojyo was finished. 

Feeling rather proud of his handiwork, Gojyo shuffled over to the table, where he sank into a chair and pulled a cigarette out of the pack waiting there. Now it was just a question of keeping an eye on the wound and waiting for Hakkai to wake up. He took a long draw from his cigarette and exhaled slowly, watching the smoke making lazy curls in the lamplight. Shit! He shouldn't be smoking in here! Gojyo bounded out of his chair, crossed to the window and pulled it open. The night air was cool and refreshing, so he decided to sit there on the sill to finish his smoke. That way, he figured it wouldn't be bad for Hakkai, and Gojyo need not leave him yet. 

He was not sure why he was reluctant to go to his own room, but he didn't think that Hakkai would mind if he hung out here for a while. Gojyo leaned back against the window frame and pulled his right knee up, resting his foot on the sill. He draped his right arm over the knee, leaving his hand to dangle loosely with the cigarette wedged between his fingers. He smoked and watched the moon trail its slow arc through the sky, nearly full now. The sound of Hakkai's steady deep breathing filled Gojyo's ears, and a rare feeling of peace descended on him then. It lasted until dawn streaked the clouds and he crept to his own room, where he fell into a calm and dreamless sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 4 

Hakkai slowly roused to consciousness, his mind drifting up through layers of fog until finally he became aware of himself. He was laying on something wonderfully soft, stretched out on his stomach. Wait, wait…he never slept on his stomach. Curiosity overwhelming his desire to remain motionless, he cracked one eye open. Wrong eye: not only was it his bad eye, but a vast expanse of pillow was the only thing in front of it. With a heartfelt groan, he closed it again. Why, after all this time, did he keep forgetting about that? It had been forgivable at first, but after three years, he was beginning to suspect that perhaps he was a bit on obtuse side.

Blinding pain and nausea accompanied the late afternoon sunlight that greeted his other eye. What the hell had happened? How the hell did he get here? Who the hell was in the room with him? Why couldn't he have a thought that didn't involve hell? Hakkai decided to chalk that last up to having just awoken from unconsciousness, and the corrupting influence of a couple of foul-mouthed companions. He could only be expected to resist for so long, after all.

He waited, patiently still, for the discomfort to pass. He was listening to the soft sounds of someone trying very hard to be quiet, and failing miserably. A brief rustling, then an even briefer flicking noise – ah, it must be Gojyo. Goku being a non-smoker, it couldn't be him; Sanzo being a jackass who wouldn't deign to let anyone know it mattered to him if they died, it wouldn't be him, either.

"Oi, Hakkai. You awake?" Gojyo called out.

"Aa," Hakkai replied, his voice fuzzy with sleep.

"Did I wake you? I mean it's good you're awake, I was starting to think I was going to have to spend another week watching you sleep, but I hope I wasn't being too noisy."

Hakkai permitted himself a little smile at the sound of his friend's deep voice. "No, Gojyo, you didn't wake me. Where are we? I don't remember anything after the fight. How long have I been sleeping?" He struggled to make his voice remain neutral, pretending that this time was no different from any other. His back was on fire.

"We're at that town we were headed toward when we were attacked by the ugly and uglier gang. It's only been a day since you, uh…went down. I managed to finagle us four rooms so you could rest up properly. You hungry?" The redhead's voice was unsteady. He was speaking far more rapidly than was usual for him.

The small hairs on the back of Hakkai's neck were standing up in reaction to Gojyo's tone. There was something wrong. He opened his mouth to ask about it, but Gojyo cut him off.

"I'm going to get you some breakfast. The monkey's been eating himself sick since we got here. Food's good. Be right back." Without waiting for a reply, he strode out of the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

There was definitely something untoward happening with Gojyo, Hakkai decided. His handsome young face was marred slightly by the small frown that settled over his features, eliciting tiny creases between his brows. Moreover, his back hurt like mad. He experimented with pushing himself up off the bed, but his arms didn't seem to want to work. He fell forward again, none too gently, and lay there for a couple of minutes before attempting any further movement.

Eventually, Hakkai managed to maneuver himself onto his side and swing his legs down over the edge of the bed. He kept his body rigid so that the momentum of his legs did most of the work, pulling him upright. He remembered the fight. He remembered throwing himself between that youkai blade and Sanzo. The incessant pain in his upper back must be the result of having done so.

When he was feeling a bit less light-headed, Hakkai made to stand up. It was then that the awareness of his complete and utter nakedness impressed itself upon him. Confused, he cast about for something to wear. There was nothing handy to his reach, but he needed to piss in the worst way, so he decided just to go anyway. He was alone in here, after all.

The little alcove that housed the bathroom and the closet caught his eye. After so many rooms in so many towns, he knew what was there. As he moved toward the door to the washroom, a tiny, excited squeal halted him.

"Hakuuryu? Where are you?" Hakkai called, unable to see his serpentine pet and companion. Another squeal, louder this time, and he turned to his right. The little dragon was curled up on the top shelf of the closet, somehow managing to look both relieved and excited. Hakkai reached up to cradle Hakuuryu's head in the palm of his hand, stroking him under the chin lovingly. "It's okay, little one," he cooed, "I'm all right."

When he felt that his diminutive friend was soothed enough, he turned back to the business at hand, namely, draining his aching kidneys. He closed the door softly behind him, noting that there was a shower in here as well. They had stumbled into the lap of luxury, it seemed.

As he turned to leave, Hakkai caught a glimpse of his back in the mirror. Curious, he turned so that he could see most of the wound that angled up from his ribs on the right, to his shoulder on the left. No wonder he was in pain. He grimaced at the sight of it.

Hakkai noted that the lacerated skin had been rather inexpertly stitched together, and the corners of his mouth twitched up. It was crooked, and one piece was going to be permanently puckered, it seemed. He shook his head slightly, musing that one of these days he was going to have to teach Gojyo how to do it properly. Hakkai was likely to wind up looking like a patchwork quilt if he didn't.

He heaved a deep sigh and opened the door, stepping back out into the main room. The sight of Gojyo standing beside the table stopped him abruptly. He felt very exposed in his nakedness as the other man swept a gaze up and down his body. Hakkai felt a jolt in his belly when their eyes met. It was one thing to go o the baths together, but this…this was rather embarrassing. He dropped his eyes, searching for something to say, but Gojyo just turned impassively away and began taking the covers off the various foods he had retrieved for breakfast. Grateful for his friend's understanding and tact – talents Gojyo did not often utilize – Hakkai began to make his slow way back to the bed.

When he was safely seated and back under the covers, Gojyo turned toward him again, then padded over to the bed. He silently pulled Hakkai forward, adjusted the pillows, and let him recline again. The tall man then shifted the covers so that they lay smoothly over the brunette's knees. Standing back to survey the product, Gojyo nodded to himself before turning to retrieve the tray of food he had brought.

He laid it out across Hakkai's thighs and sat pulled a chair over from the table to sit on. By this time, Hakkai was beginning to worry that he might get a hernia from stifling his laughter. Gojyo was so obviously serious about what he was doing, and the last thing Hakkai wanted was to make him feel ridiculous. Even if he did look that way.

Gojyo motioned for Hakkai to eat, which he obediently did. The food was delicious, and he soon found that he was ravenous. In a very few minutes, the tray was clean of every morsel, and Gojyo gave another curt, approving nod before removing the tray, placing it on the table. Hakkai began readjusting the blankets across his lap.

Just as he looked up from this task, two large, well-muscled arms slammed down onto the bed, on either side of his legs. His eyes widened as Gojyo's face descended, stopping mere inches from his own.

"I'm letting you off easy this time, buddy. You ever pull a stunt like that again, and I'll nurse you back to health just so I can kick your sorry ass, you got me?" There was an uncharacteristic edge in the half-breed's voice, and a dangerous look in his eyes that made Hakkai more than a little nervous.

"Got you," he replied in a small voice, knowing that this was what his friend needed. Inside, he was raging, just as he had been for some three weeks.

"Good. I'm going to tell priesty and the kid that you're all right. You should get some more sleep. I'll be back in a while." Gojyo's tone was much calmer now, more his usual self. He favored Hakkai with another nod, then turned and left the room, pulling the door to behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 5 

The next twenty-four hours passed rather uneventfully, with Hakkai pretending to sleep much of the time. Sanzo and Goku came and went a few times, just checking up on him briefly before returning to whatever occupations they had in the other rooms. Gojyo spent a lot of time in Hakkai's room, watching him closely with a wary eye. Hakkai found himself resenting the observation.

He lay still and silent most of the time, stretched out on his stomach, or curled on his side, eyes closed in a pretense of sleep that he just couldn't make a reality. His mind was continually returning to the terrible event three weeks past. The gunshot rang out in his head over and over again. He could swear sometimes that he could feel the girl's hot, sticky blood covering his hands, soaking into his skin. The worst was when he remembered how it had sprayed against his face when the bullet entered her head.

Hakkai remembered the cold, cold anger that had gripped his belly when he learned of the husband's suicide. The man was a fucking coward, they all were. That girl had not been the first in that place to be spirited away, for the purpose of fulfilling some depraved monster's lust. They had not saved any of them. They hadn't even tried. Her own husband had left her to that fate. If he was going to die, he should have died trying to save her, damn it!

The girl had wanted to die in the cave; she knew that she carried the seed of her captor within her, and she knew that the man she had married would never be able to accept what had happened to her. Hakkai had refused to listen, stubbornly believing that there was a chance that this man would be like _him_.

He loved Kanan, would have stayed with her until the end of time, but he was not insensible of their situation. Hakkai and Kanan were siblings. They could never have children. He had known, the moment she told him about the child growing in her belly, that he could have accepted it. He could have loved both her and the taboo product of her violation. That poor girl in the village had known that her mate was not that strong.

He knew that she wasn't Kanan, hadn't resembled Kanan, his beloved sister and lover whom he'd been unable to save,; he couldn't bring her back by saving that poor wretch, but his soul was twisted every time he thought about it. The comparison was inevitable. Hakkai had wanted to save that girl, keep her alive as a testament and an apology to the woman he loved.

Instead, he had killed the girl, whose name had never learned, with Sanzo's gun.

Hakkai's head hurt from thinking about it, from trying to keep the tears at bay. The Three Aspects had killed Cho Gonou, but cruelly kept his heart alive and beating, having to live from day to day with the memory of his failure. Now the sins of his past folded in on themselves, repeated endlessly like reflections in a hall of mirrors. Everywhere he turned, they were there, perpetually laying in wait for him to forget for a moment. Then they pounced on him, blindsiding him and tearing his soul open afresh.

Why hadn't they let him die? Fucking Buddhists and their respect for life. Where the hell had they been when his whole world had fallen apart? Why hadn't they been there to stop her from cutting her own flesh open? Where was their respect for_ her_ life, for his?

Now they had sent him on this journey to save the world, as if he really gave a shit about that. Piercing anger gripped his heart painfully as he silently denounced all gods who ever had been, or ever would be. How many times would they expect him to live through the same thing?

There was a stronger and more terrible anger even than this, within his heart. He had managed to keep from looking at it too closely over the years, but it bubbled to the surface now. It was the one thing he had never confessed to anyone, the secret that threatened to swallow him whole.

_He hated Kanan for what she had done._

It was this truth that had nearly driven him mad, then and now. He refused to acknowledge it most of the time, had, in fact, almost managed to convince himself that it wasn't true. Almost, but not quite. His guilt did not lie in her death or in his failure, though those things caused him nearly unbearable grief. His guilt was in his anger at her for leaving him, for taking his life and future away with her. For forcing him to watch her do it. For her lack of faith in his love. For making his sacrifice worthless with her death. For turning him into what she hated and feared.

What he hated and feared.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 6 

Gojyo had left him some unmeasured time previously, apparently deciding that, since it was the middle of the night, Hakkai was probably sleeping. He'd hardly left his charge's side all day. It was frustrating.

Hakkai could hear the shower running in the room next to his own, the one Gojyo had claimed so he could be near his 'patient'. The moment his caretaker had left the room, a strange restlessness had descended on the compact brunette. For hours, he'd lain in the bed, fuming about the watchful hanyou's constant observation. Now he was upset that the comforting annoyance was gone.

Unable to stay still any longer, Hakkai rose carefully and began to dress. Jeans, a loose white cotton shirt that he did not button up, in deference to his lacerated flesh, his monocle. Not knowing what else to do, he headed for Gojyo's room.

The redhead was still in the shower when Hakkai entered. A small snort escaped him as he spied the full ashtray on the table near the bed. Only Gojyo could manage to spend all his time somewhere else and still fill his own ashtray. Out of long habit, Hakkai took the offending piece of pottery to the garbage in the corner and emptied it. On his way back to the table, he absently picked up the clothes that Gojyo had left on the floor and laid them neatly across the end of the bed.

When he got back to the table, instead of putting the ashtray down, he instead picked up Gojyo's smoke pack and tapped one out. He lit it using the lighter from the table and padded across the room to sit on the sill of the open window. He had just lit the cigarette when he heard the water shut off in the bathroom, then the voice of its occupant raised in song. The sound put Hakkai in mind of the noise a kitten might make, were one to run it across a cheese grater a few times. He shook his head a little, his left eyebrow crept higher, and a smirk pulled at his generous mouth as he took a long draw from his smoke. Life with the indefatigable Sha Gojyo was never less than highly entertaining.

A few moments later, the bathroom diva was shimmying into the main room. Unnoticed at the window, Hakkai watched him, fascinated by the way Gojyo walked when he was barefoot. He sort of bounced on the balls of his feet, with his shoulders thrown back. Hakkai was not sure exactly why, but it never failed to get his attention. Gojyo continued to sing, albeit somewhat more quietly, as he dug in his bag for some clean clothes. The muscles in his back rippled and bunched as he moved, oblivious to the fact that the towel he had wrapped around his waist was sliding into a very precarious position.

Hakkai started counting down in his head. He had reached 'two' when the piece of cloth gave up and fell off the slim hips, landing in a heap on the floor. Gojyo didn't seem to notice. Had it been anyone else, Hakkai would have made his presence known immediately, but Gojyo wouldn't care. He never had any problem being naked around his counterparts. The fact that the majority of his counterparts had a problem with his being naked around them didn't hinder him in the slightest. Gojyo_ liked_ nakedness.

Gojyo had stayed in the shower until the water began to run cold. It was the first time he'd been able to relax since Hakkai had fallen, not quite three days ago. When he got out, he toweled his long red hair dry and wrapped a towel around his waist, then left the steamy bathroom for the relative cool of the main room.

As he crossed the floor, Gojyo indulged in a few dance steps to go with the tune he was singing. He made straight for his bag and began digging for something clean to wear. When his towel fell off, he ignored it in favor of obtaining clothing. It was a bit colder out here than he had thought. Where the hell was his black sleeveless shirt? He turned for a quick look behind him, in case he had moved it for some reason, and caught the figure sitting on the window sill, cigarette in hand.

"Oi, Sanzo, smoke your own damn cigarettes," Gojyo said irritably.

"I'm sorry, Gojyo. I was hoping you wouldn't mind if I borrowed one," came the reply.

Gojyo stopped dead at the sound of the vice that was patently not Sanzo's. It was Hakkai. Hakkai had borrowed one of his cigarettes. Hakkai was currently smoking said cigarette. Hakkai…Was…_Smoking_.

Slowly Gojyo unfolded his lanky form and turned to face the other man. Yes, that was definitely a smoke in his hand. Yes, he was taking a pull off it now. Exhaling.

"Okaaaaay," he said, doubting his eyes, "who the hell are you and what have you done with the real Hakkai?" His tone was more stunned that sarcastic.

"I assure you it's me, Gojyo," Hakkai responded, amused. "Really, I hope you don't mind. By the way, are you aware that you're still naked?

At the reminder, the tall man glanced down the length of his own body. He was, indeed, very naked. Normally it wouldn't matter, but recently the sight of Hakkai had been doing things to him that he would prefer the other man not see. He turned away again and grabbed the first pair of pants he found, pulling them on with unusual alacrity.

He needed a smoke. The package was sitting on the table, right beside the – empty – ashtray. He could swear that Hakkai was physically incapable of not cleaning. It was beyond annoying, the way he would putter about tidying up, picking up empty beer cans, emptying ashtrays, and generally behaving like a mother hen. God, but Gojyo had missed it.

He allowed a tiny smile to play about his lips as he sat down and lit a cigarette of his own. "So, what's with the smoking?" "I don't know, really. Sometimes I get restless, and then sometimes I smoke. I always quit after a day or two. Is it okay that I borrowed one of yours?"

The brunette's gaze was searching as he met Gojyo's eyes, and his monocle flashed in the light. "Yeah, man. Help yourself, but you're going to have to put up with it freaking me out." Gojyo returned, proud that he had managed to keep the sudden quiver that his companion's look had caused out of his voice.

"Thank you," Hakkai replied, inclining his head slightly and licking his lips.

Gojyo watched him raise the cigarette to his mouth, wrapping his full lips around it, the lower one pouting out just a little and shining in the lamplight. The redhead had never seen anything so sensual in his life. There he was, the subject of Gojyo's most explicit recent fantasies, wearing nothing but jeans and an open shirt. A strip of toned flesh was visible under the crisp white cotton. Gojyo closed his eyes and took a deep breath to quell the emerging excitement that the sight elicited in his body. This was no time to be thinking that way. Hakkai had come to his room for a reason, and he needed to find out what that was.

"You shouldn't smoke, you know. I hear it's bad for you or something." Gojyo tried humor to open the door.

"So what?" Hakkai's voice could cut glass.

"So maybe you ought to be taking care of yourself right now,' deadly serious tone, now.

"It's none of your business, Gojyo. Besides, you get to preach when you've stopped killing yourself with them." The voice was quiet, but there was an edge to it that Gojyo had never heard him use toward one of the team.

A derisive snort escaped him. "Bullshit. I've been smoking for fucking years, Hakkai. I'm addicted. You're not. You're smarter than me, anyway. You've got no excuse."

"Of course. Please forgive me, _sensei_. What are you, my fucking mother?" Hakkai muttered in clipped tones dripping with sarcasm.

"I'm your _friend_, damn it! What you do affects me, not to mention the others. You've been rivaling the monk for 'asshole of the year' for weeks. I have right to know what the fuck is going on with you!" Unable to hold his temper any longer, Gojyo was almost yelling by the time he finished.

Hakkai turned and flicked his cigarette out the window. His face was as dark as the night sky behind him when he turned back. His lip curled in uncharacteristic anger as he spat back, "You have a_ right_? What gives you the right to question me, my actions, my motives, _anything_? You have no jurisdiction over me, kappa. _Fuck. Off_."

Stunned, Gojyo couldn't think of anything to say for a moment. This was not the man that he knew. Even when he'd been seeking oblivion, Hakkai had always been the soul of politeness and discretion - to anyone who wasn't his enemy, anyway. He never swore. Could the death of that girl have affected him _this much_? It seemed unlikely, but that was the only explanation as far as the half-breed could see.

He decided to check it out. Pushing his long tresses back from his forehead, he stared directly into Hakkai's eyes and asked, "Was that girl really worth all this?"

Without warning, Hakkai launched himself across the room, slamming his fist down on the table in front of Gojyo. "How dare you! How _dare_ you even suggest that? She was _pregnant_! What was I supposed to do? Just turn away, pretend that it wasn't happening, just let her kill herself and that baby?"

"Come on, Hakkai!. It wasn't a baby yet, so what does it matter? I mean, I know that it sucks, but it was just a bunch of cells, right? It didn't even know what was happening!" Gojyo brashly exclaimed.

"Bullshit it wasn't a baby! It spilled out of her belly right in front of me!! It was tiny, and misshapen, and, and…but it was alive, just like she was, before she did that! _I felt it die_!" Hakkai's voice was bordering on hysterical, now.

"Whatever. She's probably better off, anyway," Gojyo returned, knowing that this very well might get him hurt, but it would almost definitely get him an answer, "The kid, too. People don't take kindly to taboo children, believe me. I'm not going to just sit by and watch my…" he stopped short, unwilling to voice it, to go too far.

Hakkai's nails bit into the table. His breath was coming harsh and ragged, but he was still controlled enough to turn away. He walked slowly back to the wall that housed the window and leaned his back against it and let his head fall back. His slitted eyes glittered out at Gojyo from under long ebony lashes. "What? Come on, you're not going to sit by and watch _what_? I'm _your_ what? Fuck you. I'm not your anything! _I do not belong to you, Sha Gojyo_." The brunette's tone was cold as ice.

Gojyo snapped. Before he was aware of his own actions, he had jumped out of his chair, thrown the table out of his way, and was striding toward Hakkai. Their bodies met full force as Hakkai attempted to evade the larger man and he slammed back, into the wall. A deep groan of pain came through gritted teeth as Hakkai's injury was aggravated by the contact.

Gojyo's instincts kicked in; he knew Hakkai, and his fighting style, though nothing would prevent a chi blast. He could only hope that eventuality would not come to pass. The redhead put his left hand against the wall beside the other man's head, while he had the advantage. Then, to prevent his opponent from moving sideways, Gojyo slid his right leg up between Hakkai's thighs. The contact sent a jolt through his body that he did his best to ignore as he flicked his cigarette butt out the window as well.

He did the unthinkable then, placing the palm of his right hand flat up against the jagged scar on Hakkai's belly. He leaned in, until their faces were scant inches apart, blood red eyes fixed on emerald green. "Fuck _you_. You may not belong to me, Hakkai, but _this_," increased pressure on the scar, "does. This binds us, you and me. And it means I have a right to give a shit!"

As Gojyo pressed once more against Hakkai's abdomen, his hand slipped sideways, fingers dipping slightly below the waistband of the smaller man's jeans. Hakkai sucked in his breath between clenched teeth. Gojyo froze, unsure what to do. The brunette's sharp hiss served only to stoke the embers of his emerging desire, not as a warning, as had undoubtedly been the intention.

They stood for some moments, pressed together, eyes locked. Their mingled breathing was the only thing audible in the room. Gojyo, sure that he was doing something he would regret, but unable to stop himself, leaned in and brushed his lips across Hakkai's. They were soft and warm, and Gojyo's stomach knotted at the contact. Hakkai's body stiffened, but he didn't pull away, so Gojyo once again grazed his mouth, and then pulled back.

The other man made a tiny sound in the back of his throat, and pushed forward slightly, following. Encouraged, Gojyo once again pressed his lips to his friend's, a little more aggressively this time. Another soft moue from Hakkai, and Gojyo's tongue darted out to flick along his slightly open mouth.

Hakkai's fist came out of nowhere, crashing into the right side of his face. It sent Gojyo reeling, to land heavily on the floor with his legs splayed out before him. He reached up and rubbed his face where the blow had landed. It was already hot and slightly swollen. Shit, that was going to bruise.

Gojyo raised his eyes, to match once again the gaze of the raven-haired man standing above him. Those gorgeous green eyes held a great deal of confusion, a slightly lower level of anger and, Gojyo hoped, some small amount of desire. Of course, he realized that he might be projecting on that last part. He couldn't keep the smile from his face entirely, and Hakkai seemed to bristle at it.

"I'm not one of your fucking barmaids, Gojyo." With that, he turned on his heel and strode out of the room, stooping along the way to scoop up Gojyo's cigarettes and lighter. Gojyo saw, and did not stop him. It might be very, very dangerous, indeed to interfere with Hakkai just now.

Gojyo chuckled, but his eyes were grave as he said to the empty doorway, "No, you're not."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 7 

Hakkai was shaking with anger when he got back to his own room. He was thanking his lucky stars now that Gojyo had managed to get them all separate rooms. It couldn't have been easy, with Sanzo holding the purse strings. He needed to be alone now.

What the hell had that been about? Who did Gojyo think he was? Hakkai didn't belong to him, or to anyone else, for that matter. His thoughts and motivations were his own, and no half-breed fucking pervert kappa was going to lay claim to them. Gojyo's words rang in his ears: ipeople don't take kindly to taboo children…/i As if that gave the girl a right to do what she did.

_Gojyo kissed me._

A sudden swell of fury gripped Hakkai, and he slammed his fist into the nearest wall, denting the soft plaster. Hakuuryu squealed in fear from the closet, and he felt a little ashamed. He never lost his temper like this. He cooed to the little dragon, soothing words in a hushed voice, assuring him that things were okay. It seemed that he was just going to have to keep it all inside, as usual.

_Gojyo kissed me, more than once_.

They had no idea how hard it was to be him. Between being the one to care for their transportation, ignoring daily death threats from an egomaniacal sociopath with a gun, feeding an insatiable child and indulging the antics of an extremely libidinous gambler, Hakkai was often not sure how he had managed to keep from blasting them all. Why did he have to play the parent?

_He touched my scar, laid claim to it._

They were his friends, absolutely, but they were enough to make a soul extremely tired. He had enough on his plate just trying to get through each day, to justify his existence, to summon the will to give a damn, frankly. Sometimes he thought that this journey was the real punishment for his crimes. No one should have to endure the constant bickering, sloppiness and just plain rudeness of this bunch.

_Then he kissed me_.

The worst part of all of this, Hakkai thought, was that they had no clue how damned difficult they were to deal with. They never considered for a second that perhaps he had not been sent with them to play housekeeper, mother and referee. The expectation was that Hakkai would settle it, Hakkai would clean it, Hakkai would fix it, Hakkai would…whatever, but never a thought to how Hakkai might feel about it all.

_I should be angry about that._

Was this what he had been spared for, to play den mother to a trio of reckless delinquent children in men's bodies? It infuriated him, really. This was stupid.

_Why aren't I angry about that?_

Several hours later in Sanzo's room, a frustrated Gojyo tried to explain why it was that they couldn't leave the next morning. A cool, arrogant Sanzo plied him with questions that he couldn't answer to his advantage.

"Is Hakkai okay, or isn't he?"

"Well, yeah, he's healing fine, but…" the large man trailed off.

"But…?" The monk's violet gaze was level, rational, and exasperating as hell. He sat calmly smoking a cigarette, newspaper temporarily lowered in uncharacteristic courtesy, as they discussed the situation.

Gojyo didn't want to share his suspicions with Sanzo, and he simply refused to share any details of the previous night's goings-on. That was strictly between Hakkai and himself. The problem with that lay in the fact that said goings-on were his strongest reason for staying. Though it was not a good idea, Hakkai could travel and even fight in his current condition. If they left now, though, Gojyo knew that being on the road would ruin whatever chance he had of breaking through, so that he and Hakkai could sort out what had happened between them.

The redhead was very aware that kissing Hakkai had been a dangerous move, but he didn't regret it. The feeling of the other man's incredibly soft lips under his own had been electric, and it kept wandering through his mind at inopportune times. Like now, when he should be answering the blond monk's query.

"Look, baldy, I just don't think that he's really ready to go on right now. Haven't you noticed what he's been like the past couple of weeks? It's dangerous for all of us to take him back on the road like this. He's not himself." Gojyo's tone was almost pleading, which he detested, but it was for Hakkai, so he would deal with it.

"Aa," was all the answer he received - at the point of Sanzo's gun.

"Give me a few more days to work on him, all right?" Gojyo adjusted his tone down a couple of notches, in order to pacify the gun's wielder.

The gun disappeared. "Right. You've got three days. Then we move on, whether you and that bastard are with us or not, got that?" Sanzo dismissed Gojyo by lifting his newspaper high enough that he could no longer see the half-breed.

"Oh, _thank you_, Sanzo-_sama_," he replied in sarcastic tones, somewhat more bold now that the weapon had been removed. Gojyo turned on his heel and strode across to the door, giving Goku a playful slap across the back of the head as he passed. "Later, monkey."

He closed the door on the eager protestation that inevitably followed, and headed down the stairs. He needed to buy smokes.

Lunch was a truly gruelling experience for Hakkai. His mind was wrapped in layers of confusion, and the source of that confusion was sitting directly beside him. He ate whatever they put in front of him without noticing what any of it was. When asked a direct question, the normally loquacious young man offered a monosyllabic response and lapsed into silence again. He tried, on a couple of occasions, to look at Gojyo, but it was no use. He could feel the color rising into his cheeks each time.

After what felt like an eternity, they finished eating, and Hakkai was free to go. He wandered back to his room and flopped down on the bed. The anger had mostly worn off, but now he was left with gut-twisting questions for which he had no answers.

He'd been trying to figure out Gojyo's motivation, in starting that argument, in… doing the other thing he had done. He was chasing his own tail, and he knew it. The only way to find out was to ask Gojyo, and he was not yet ready to do that. His cheeks colored again at the thought. He was mortified by the idea of asking the hanyo outright.

There was one other thing that disturbed Hakkai, which was his inability to understand his own reaction to what had transpired between them. Just when he managed to work up a good, foaming rage against the red-haired playboy, he found himself recalling the feeling of his own mouth, covered by strong, supple lips, and a furious blush infused his face. He felt like an inexperienced adolescent.

Really, who did Gojyo think he was? He didn't even like men, as far as Hakkai knew, and he had shown extremely poor judgment in… kissing him at such a time. _Or at all_, Hakkai hastily amended in his mind. He did feel bad about punching the other man, though. Still, he shouldn't surprise a body like that. Hakkai felt that it was hardly fair the he should be held responsible for his reaction.

Of course, the most troubling thing was the other reaction, the one his treacherous body had manifested without his consent. As much as he might try to deny it, Hakkai had responded to Gojyo. He recalled the feeling of the taller man's body pressed up against his, still warm from the shower, the sensation of Gojyo's thigh sliding between his own…he crushed the thoughts down and waited for his breathing to slow.

Damn the man, anyway. What was he trying to accomplish? Was he just trying to shock Hakkai? Was Gojyo really attracted to him? If the latter was true, was it just a passing thing, or would it last? Hakkai was surprised to find himself upset by the notion that it might fade. What the hell was wrong with him?

He'd sworn when Kanan died that he would never love again, and for more than three years, he hadn't felt so much as a stirring of interest. Until last night, that was. When he was safely in his room, Hakkai was almost horrified to discover that he was semi-hard. So now the question was: was this really about love, or was it just physical? He'd always seen the physical act as being inseparable from the emotion. He didn't think he was in love with Gojyo. Was he?

No, that couldn't be. He certainly cared for the tall, sarcastic man who had saved his life, but it wasn't love. At least not the kind Hakkai was familiar with. Why the reaction, then? Was it possible that after all this time, Hakkai was just horny? It was possible, but it hardly seemed likely. Maybe this was some strange middle ground where regard and loneliness came together in order to confuse the living shit out of naïve dopes like him.

Well, whatever the reason, whatever the outcome, he was going to have to ask Gojyo about it, and soon. This couldn't go on. Hakkai had no idea what he was going to do; he may very well regret this later, but he knew that stewing here in his room wasn't solving anything.

He got up and walked purposefully out the door.

What was he going to do? Gojyo pulled the last draw from his cigarette, stubbing the butt viciously into the ashtray, which was full once again. He'd gone and blown it, he knew it. The fact that Hakkai was really pissed at him was painted on his cheekbone in a lovely shade of purple.

He wasn't even entirely sure why he had done it, except that he was desperate. He couldn't stand to see his friend in pain. Well, the truth was that they were all in pain all the time, but Gojyo had never seen Hakkai like this before. It terrified him beyond all reason. Now, instead of making things easier for the other man, he had managed to complicate things even more.

_Yeah, great job there, moron_, he chided himself. _Now not only have you destroyed any chance of helping Hakkai, you've probably also fucked your whole relationship, and all for what? Like you can't get a piece of tail from someone else._

The truth, however, was not so simple, as Gojyo was well aware. No matter how much he hated the fallout, he still couldn't feel remorse over the act itself. What he had done was not about sex, and that frightened him far, far more than Hakkai's anger did.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 8 

A faint knocking pulled Gojyo out of his reverie. "Yeah," he grumbled in the general direction of the door, then resumed his fascinated inspection of the beer can in his large hand. The door creaked gently open, and Hakkai's boyish face appeared around the edge, a hesitant smile just barely turning up the corners of his soft mouth. Gojyo glanced up to make the eye contact that Hakkai would require as permission before he entered, and couldn't look away.

_Shit_, Gojyo found himself thinking, _why the hell does he have to_ move _like that_? Fervent wishes that he had never allowed himself to indulge in the scrutiny that had started all this flooded his mind. Hakkai, simply attired in jeans – the tight ones, Gojyo noticed – and a black crewneck sweater that clung to his shoulders and tapered to his waist, slid into the room; Gojyo wondered when his brain had started applying words like _sinuous_ to his companion.

Instead of coming to the table, where Gojyo sat, Hakkai opted to close the door behind him and lean against it. His eyes darted around the room, refusing to settle on any single object for any length of time. When his gaze met Gojyo's, Hakkai dropped his eyes quickly and cleared his throat.

"Um, Gojyo-san…" Hakkai trailed off, and Gojyo knew instantly that this was important. Hakkai never had any trouble spewing out whatever it was he wanted to say, a trait that had caused the taller man to flush almost to the color of his hair on more than one occasion. If it was hard for him to speak, there had to be a good reason. Besides, he hadn't used the honorific on Gojyo for ages, and it indicated that Hakkai felt he needed to hide behind the formality. Gojyo straightened up slightly, reaching for his cigarette pack.

"Yeah, man? What's up?" Gojyo hoped he sounded sufficiently nonchalant – he didn't want to let on how relieved he felt to have Hakkai talking to him after enduring the silence of this day. Hakkai had only come out of his room for meals, and though he had spoken during those times, it was sparse conversation; he refused even to look at Gojyo.

"Please forgive me, but I am somewhat discomfited right now, so I may not speak very well, but I do need to discuss something with you." During this little preamble, Gojyo had watched the color rise from Hakkai's collar, up over his face, then deepen to a shade he would have otherwise thought impossible on that pale skin. Shit, this _was_ important. He lit his smoke and straightened a little more.

"Just spit it out, dude. You can say anything to me as long as you drop that Gojyo-san bullshit," his words were flippant, but his tone was deadly serious now. "I'm listening."

"Thank you, Gojyo. I knew I could trust you to take this seriously. I know that I have been very distant since…uh, and I'd like to apologize for that. I hope you can forgive me for it, but I had a lot to think about – from our last… umm… _encounter_…that I, uh…well, I'm done with that now, in any case, but there are things I need to ask, and things I need to say, as well." The last came out in as close to a tumble of words as Gojyo had ever heard from Hakkai.

Their last encounter was something that Gojyo did not particularly feel like discussing, but his uneasiness took an immediate backseat to Hakkai's need. _Since when do I give in so easily? Really, Gojyo, just because every time you see Hakkai you want to pin him to a wall (like you did last time, ne?)…oh, GOD_. He really did need to do something about his libido, he decided. With a grimace, Gojyo unceremoniously squashed that line of thought, turning his full attention on Hakkai. "What do you need to know? No secrets here, man." _Fuck, I'm an idiot_.

Hakkai favored him with a slightly larger smile, and though his eyes did not fully participate, Goyjo knew that he had meant that one. The brunette cleared his throat, "Uh, about the other day… um… when you, ah…"

"Kissed you." Gojyo supplied._ Great, now I'm HELPING?_

"…kissed me, yeah. Um, I need to know, why?"

"I wanted to," the redhead stated simply.

"But I thought you didn't like men. I mean, in _that_ way. I certainly never thought you saw_ me_ that way." Hakkai was settling down, now that the subject had been broached, if a little awkwardly. His words were coming at a more normal pace, his breathing was much more regular, and his color was less hectic now.

"I don't, really, and I didn't." Gojyo replied, rather unhelpfully, he thought with some pride. If Hakkai wanted to have this conversation instead of burying it deep inside and pretending that it had never happened, like any _normal _fucking man would, then he was getting no help from Gojyo. He was already suffering enough, damn it.

"Then… why? Please, Gojyo, I need to understand this. I promise I'll drop it after this, but I really need you to help me," Hakkai's face was pleading.

_God damn it all, I'm going to fucking regret this, aren't I?_ "I'm sorry, Hakkai. I'll try to be more helpful. I admit I was hoping you would just pretend it never happened," Gojyo offered, penitent now of his former reluctance to assist.

"You were? Why?"

"Because I didn't want to have this conversation. Because I was hoping it wouldn't get in the way. Because…" Gojyo's turn to trail off.

"Get in the way of what?" Hakkai seemed puzzled. "And what else? Because… what?"

_I'm well and truly fucked now_, Gojyo thought derisively,_ If I get through this discussion with my sanity intact, I'm going to kick my ass. I'll fucking deserve it, too._ "Oh, well, fuck it. Go big or stay home, right? Before I say anything else, are you sure you want to talk about this? 'Cause you know, once we start, we're going all the way, and I'm going to say some shit I'm sure you don't want to know."

A moment of reflection on Hakkai's part gave Gojyo some time to begin the mental ass-kicking he had promised himself. Suddenly, Hakkai looked up, his gaze locking with Gojyo's, and the redhead knew he was lost. A current, almost electric, flowed through him, igniting every cell from skin to marrow, and it brooked no denial.

"I'm sure, Gojyo," was Hakkai's only response.

"Shit. Okay, babe, take your best shot," and Gojyo reached for another smoke, lit it. This conversation was going to wreak havoc on his lungs.

"_Babe_? What the… never mind. Listen, I need to know what that kiss was all about, Gojyo. I've spent hours upon hours thinking about this, and the only thing I have to show for it is a headache. So, let's start with the sentence that you never finished: because…" Hakkai gestured to Gojyo meaningfully.

_Damn. He's got the upper hand now. Look at him, the smug little bastard. He's got that little smirk on now that pulls up just the one side of his mouth, makes me want to wipe it off his face, leave his lips bruised and swollen…Fuck!_

"Because… Fuck! 'Cause I wanted you to stay! You were… and I couldn't – Damn it, Hakkai!" Gojyo's inability to articulate, though not unusual, was really inconvenient just now.

"To stay? But I wasn't going anywhere. I would never run out on you, even if we were having an argument. You know me better than that, Gojyo." Hakkai's eyes were as soft as his voice, and Gojyo groaned inwardly. Why did this have to be so hard? Why did he suddenly have to want this man now, after all this time, when there was so fucking much at stake? Why did it have to be_ Hakkai_ for the love of God? If it had been Sanzo, he could have used the idea of a bullet in the head as a chilling influence. The most chilling thing about Hakkai was his smile. Oh, _yeah_, that was a _big_ help. Damn.

"Look, Hakkai, you know damn well what I mean. You knew when we had that argument, and you know now. Don't blow smoke up my ass, man. I haven't seen you like this since before we went to Hyakugan Maoh's place. You told us after the three aspects killed Gonou that you were afraid to die, and you have always fought like that was true. Since that village last month, you've been…different. You've been fighting, all right, but it's been for us, not you. You've been courting death again, my friend. The proof of that is written all over your back. I wanted you to stay. _Clear_?" By the end of this little speech, Gojyo's own color was beginning to rise, and he was leaning so far forward that the table was digging painfully into his ribcage. To take the edge off, he leaned back slightly and took a drag of his smoke.

A look of pure shock settled on Hakkai's face as Gojyo spoke. His deep green eyes widened and his jaw fell slightly, leaving his full lips parted. There was a faint blush to his cheeks, and in Gojyo's breast anger, remorse and desire fought for supremacy. _God, he looks so vulnerable._ Gojyo lowered his eyes to block the sight of his friend's pain. The urge to wrap Hakkai in his arms was so strong that he almost gave in, but his more rational self told him that it would be a bad idea just now.

"I told you the other day that it was accidental, Gojyo. I didn't mean to get injured. You can believe that."

"I do believe that. I absolutely do. You meant to get fucking _dead_. Don't bother to deny it, Hakkai. I know that I'm not the sharpest fucking knife, but don't you_ dare_ treat me like an idiot. I'm your friend. You're my…" Gojyo stopped short, unwilling to voice what lay at the base of his current feelings, afraid of what would happen if he did.

"Well, here's a place we've been before. You never did answer me either. I'm your _what_?" Hakkai's eyes had narrowed, body tensed as if expecting Gojyo to run at him again, as he had the last time they had come to this point in the discussion.

"Forget it." Gojyo's tone was sulky. He shouldn't have said anything. He shouldn't have said it last time, either, he supposed. That comment was what had led to the kiss that had in turn led to this discussion.

"No, I won't forget it, Gojyo. You're the one who said we were going all the way this time. No secrets, you said. Well, here we are again, and you're holding back. I will agree to admit that you were right about my intentions, but you have to be honest with me as well. Whatever it was, you _kissed_ me over it. I don't know what you were trying to accomplish by it, but in any case, that's pretty fucking serious, _ne_?"

Now Hakkai was Hakkai again, though Gojyo still couldn't wrap his head around the brunette swearing. That was weird, but at least he knew who he was dealing with now.

"All right," Gojyo held up his hands in a gesture of surrender, "you've got me there. I'm sorry." He cast his eyes down so he wouldn't have to meet Hakkai's gaze. "Look, all my life I've been alone. I never had a real family, real friends, or any relationships. You know all that. I never asked for any of those things, and until you bled your way into my life, I never knew the fucking difference. I thought I was… well content, if not happy. Then you and your innards and your fucking green eyes show up, and everything changes!" His voice was rising, and he had to take a deep breath to calm himself. It sounded shaky, even to his own ears.

"Changed how?" Hakkai asked softly, taking the few steps to the chair nearest him, opposite Gojyo. He pulled it out and slid onto it, placing his forearms on the table in front of him and folding his hands together in that prim way that Gojyo knew so well. He allowed himself to flick glance up at Hakkai.

"You think I just randomly go around picking up bleeding guys off the road and taking them home? When I nudged you, you looked up at me, your eyes seemed somehow familiar, but I'd never seen you before in my life. And then you smiled at me. Your guts were spilled out all over the ground, you were bleeding to death, and you fucking ismiled/i at me!" Gojyo spat, the incredulity he had felt at that moment returning to make itself heard now in his voice.

"Go on. We've never really talked about this, have we? What happened back then, I mean. I really smiled at you? I don't remember you picking me up, just the fight that left me like that, and knowing I was going to die. Then I woke up to find myself in your bed, instead of in hell." Hakkai's voice was tinged now with amusement at the memory of their first conversation. _Hakkai waking up in my bed_… Gojyo was helpless to stop himself… _Pale skin naked against the sheets, raven hair across the white pillow, deep green eyes fluttering closed, color high with desire, the scent of him surrounding me and infusing my things… _Gojyo bit at the corner of his lip to stifle the sound that nearly escaped him. Hakkai waited patiently, as usual.

"Well, when the monk came to get you, and you ran, I told him that you had some self-appointed mission to finish, and then you'd probably die. I guess that's when I figured out that it mattered to me whether you did. Up until he told me, I didn't even know your name, but I knew I couldn't just let you die. Don't ask me why I cared. I just did. So I went with them to get you." Gojyo's voice had softened now, too. Memories of that night flooded his mind, the ghost of that feeling that had gripped his stomach at the thought of Hakkai's death making itself felt once again. "Guess I'm always a selfish bastard when it comes to you…" he mumbled, almost under his breath.

Hakkai's eyes narrowed, "Excuse me?" he inquired.

"Nothing, man," Gojyo replied in a weary voice. This was becoming very difficult, indeed. Apparently deciding to drop it, the other man continued, "You guys found me just after I-"

"Just before, actually," Gojyo interrupted. "We just weren't close enough to stop it. That was the first time I ever saw real will, man. I never saw a fight turn around so fast in my life." A small chuckle escaped him as he remembered what had followed. "You probably didn't get a good look at that guy's face when you threw your eyeball at him, huh? It was fucking beautiful! He was scared _shitless _of you after that. I knew right then that, if you allowed it, I'd stick by you. You have to respect a guy who'll do something like that, you know"

An enigmatic smile played around the edges of Hakkai's mouth as he listened. "No, I didn't see that. And I didn't know that. Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"'Cause the guy that did that fucking _died_, right?" There was a sharp edge in Gojyo's voice now. "The past was the past. I still wanted to be around Hakkai after you found me, but _Gonou_…" he ground his teeth together, "_Gonou_ was _dead_." A pause, a shaking breath, "Besides, I found about six million reasons to respect Hakkai just as much. When Gonou died, though, I felt kind of empty, somehow, and-"

"And you cut your hair," Hakkai mused. "I'm sorry, but I never saw it before. I guess it never occurred to me that the two things could possibly be connected, that it could have mattered to you at all, really. I knew you were glad I was alive, but"

"Well, I did do it for me, you know? But it was like, when you died, I needed to break with the past. I'd grown it out to hide the scars from when my mother tried to kill me. I guess I kind of figured I owed it to the memory of your strength of will, and your willingness to face your past, to do the same. Man, I suck at this. You understand what I'm getting at?" Gojyo's hand snaked across the table to grab his pack of smokes and tap out another. Politely, he tipped the pack toward Hakkai, who surprised Gojyo by taking one. "Thought you would've stopped that by now," he mumbled around his own cigarette, then lit it and passed the lighter to the other man.

"Well...stress. I'll stop soon. I think I understand you. Better, at least, than I did. I appreciate your candor, Gojyo. I'm somewhat nonplussed about your regard, though." He put his cigarette between his lips and lit it in turn. His young face was thoughtful as he stared down at the table, his thumb tracing the line of the grain.

"Well, you just seemed to have it all together. Your life was a mess, but you still had this clear purpose. After that was gone, you were clear about accepting punishment. You were always clear, even if what you were clear _about_ was fucked up. Every time you looked at me, I felt this… pull, like you and I were connected somehow. The time you spent at my place was the most contented I'd ever been. I felt like I had a purpose, too, I guess." Gojyo turned earnest eyes toward Hakkai, and was rewarded with another of those electric currents as their gazes met.

"I think I see, Gojyo. I also enjoyed that time. It felt so good finally, to lay everything down for a while. I always knew I would have to pick it up again, but just then, all I had to be was me. I appreciated that more than you'll ever know. I still appreciate it. You're the only one who makes me feel that way, even now. I thank you for that." Hakkai's smile was tentative, but reassuring to Gojyo. It gave him the strength to say what came next.

"You're my… my best friend, Hakkai. I don't want to face a world without you in it. I need to know that you're out there. I can't go back to my old life anymore. I need someone to care about now. I need someone to care about me, now. I need you to stay, man. Don't leave me here alone, okay?" The redhead was staring at the table now. His voice was small, like a child's, and it quivered with the fear he struggled to keep in check. "Don't die on me again, Hakkai. I can't fucking take it if you die on me again."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 9

Hakkai rose from his chair and skirted the table, coming to stand behind Gojyo. The hanyou started as Hakkai's arms descended onto his neck, crossing over his chest and exerting soft pressure back, toward the brunette's body. The unmistakable scent of Hakkai filled Gojyo's nose, and he relaxed into the embrace, grateful for the comfort. Before he realized what he was doing, he had raised his left hand and rested it on Hakkai's arm.

"That was it, wasn't it? The thing you wouldn't say. You stupid kappa. You are my best friend. I am grateful every day for that connection. I feel it, too. Also to the others, but less so. Can you forgive me for being a fool? Though you mattered to me, I guess I didn't really understand that I really mattered to you as well. I'm through with my stupidity now, I give you my word." Hakkai's tone was even, calm. He meant every word, Gojyo knew.

"Of course I forgive you. And of course, you know that if you ever do it again, I'll fucking kill you myself, right?" These words were barely more than a murmur. Gojyo had closed his eyes and was drinking in the feeling of Hakkai's presence. He wanted to memorize this feeling, the smell and sensation of belonging. "We square, now?" he asked.

"Sure, we're 'square'. But there is still one thing I need to know." Hakkai's voice carried a hint of amusement. Gojyo didn't like it when Hakkai sounded like that. It meant he had something up his sleeve.

"What's that?" Gojyo's tone was slightly more guarded this time. He opened his eyes.

Hakkai's arms tightened on him suddenly, and the redhead knew he was trapped. "Why did you kiss me?" _Shit! I forgot about that part!_ From the tone in the other man's voice, Gojyo was absolutely aware that he couldn't sidestep the question this time. "I really don't know for sure. I wanted to show you that you _were_ bound, at least to me, I guess. You were spouting that 'I don't need anyone' bullshit that Sanzo's always spreading on so fucking thick, and it drove me crazy to hear it coming from you. I wasn't really thinking at all, but I guess some part of me must have figured that kissing you would shock you. Maybe enough to pull you out of your funk. I needed you to know that you were important to me, and I was angry. I wasn't thinking straight, that's all." Gojyo cursed himself for not thinking_ now_ as he heard Hakkai giggle behind him.

"Yes, I guess you weren't." Hakkai giggled again, then, "Are you sure that was all?" His tone had changed. There was something vaguely dangerous about this question, but Gojyo couldn't put his finger on it. Hakkai's embrace tightened a little more as Gojyo asked warily,

"What do you mean"

"Don't fuck with me on this, Gojyo." The epithet once again caught Gojyo by surprise. "Those kisses weren't angry, they were gentle. You hesitated before you kissed me again. You were judging my reaction. So I ask you again, was it only a desire to make a point?"

Gojyo quickly assessed the consequences of each response he could give. Hakkai's grip on him had not loosened, and there was steel in his voice. He could lie, but the other man would know, he was certain. That would probably lead to a complete dissolution of trust. Hakkai hated lies. He could tell the truth and risk humiliation and rejection, but Hakkai would still respect him. _Shit, why does this have to be so hard? Why couldn't he just leave it alone? Aw, fuck, I'm going to have to tell the truth, aren't I?_ He was. He knew that though being humiliated would be difficult, at least he could survive it. If he lost Hakkai's respect…

"You sure you want to know?" he asked again. The arms around him jerked back briefly before settling back into their previous position. "Okay! Sheesh, try to give a guy a chance to back out." Gojyo took a deep breath and closed his eyes again before continuing, "The truth is, I'm attracted to you. Physically. I couldn't help myself. You were so close, and I kind of lost my mind there for a minute, okay? There's the headline: 'Ero-Kappa Sucks at Restraint'. I tried to warn you." He tried to keep the plaintive tone out of his voice, and failed utterly.

Hakkai's arms relaxed, allowing Gojyo to take another deep breath. Well, it was out now, and he was about as fucked as he could get. He was glad the other man was behind him. Of course, he was going to have to face him sometime, wasn't he?

Hakkai sounded slightly dazed as he asked, "Really?"

"Yeah, really. What do you have to say to that, Mr. Smart Guy?"

No answer came from the other man, but he didn't move away, either. Gojyo supposed that was a good sign. Or Hakkai was in a state of such shock that he didn't realize that his arms were still hanging around Gojyo's neck. He waited for what he had said to sink in to his companion's mind. Waited for the inevitable rejection to come. He just hoped that Hakkai wouldn't be too harsh about it.

The comforting embrace withdrew, and Gojyo's shoulders slumped a little. He felt bare now, without it. A deep sigh escaped him as Hakkai stepped out from behind him. He wondered what was going to follow this. Would there be strain now? Would Hakkai ever be able to look at him without remembering this conversation? Damn it, this was going to ruin everything.

Gojyo was just about to reach for his cigarettes again when he felt cool fingers beneath his chin. They exerted a small but insistent pressure upward. He allowed himself to be directed by Hakkai until he was gazing directly into the other man's clear green eyes. The expression there stunned Gojyo into silence. That strange little current struck him again, and before he could recover, Hakkai leaned down and pressed his soft lips to Gojyo's own.

Red eyes widened in absolute shock, then closed as Gojyo relaxed into the contact. A small moan escaped him as Hakkai's tongue darted out to brush quickly along his lips, then again more slowly. Gojyo obediently parted his lips to Hakkai's probing, and was subjected to a wave of sensation that flowed throughout his body as the other man's tongue invaded his mouth. Hakkai tasted deliciously like mint and cigarettes. He knew he would remember that forever, even if this never happened again. Every nerve tingling now, Gojyo tentatively reached out to touch that tongue with his own, deepening the kiss as his right hand crept up to cup the back of Hakkai's neck.

Too soon, the contact was broken, the brunette pulling away and opening his eyes to stare into Gojyo's own. He smiled a crooked little smile at the redhead and said, "Breathe."

And the breath that Gojyo hadn't realized he had been holding escaped him in a rush. The confusion that settled on him now must have shown in his eyes, because Hakkai smiled again, and gave a soft chuckle before brushing his lips across Gojyo's once more. Still stunned by this turn of events, he looked into intense green eyes and whispered, "Really?" He was incapable of more.

Another smile, another chuckle, a nod and then, "Really," Hakkai replied as he bent down to capture Gojyo's mouth again.

This kiss was more urgent; Gojyo was intoxicated by the taste of Hakkai's lips and tongue. His left hand stole up to rest against the other man's cheek, his thumb tracing small circles against the cheekbone as he explored the inviting flesh of his friend's mouth. His right hand was slowly tracing a path up Hakkai's left thigh. Gojyo knew he was losing himself in this, and he didn't care. Hakkai alone, the taste and feel and smell of Hakkai, existed for him now.

Without warning, Hakkai swung his left leg up and over Gojyo, then lowered himself to straddle him. The half-breed groaned into his friend's mouth; he was already growing hard, and the pressure exerted by Hakkai's weight provided a maddening friction. He struggled to gain control of his body, then lost it again as Hakkai's hips rocked forward, grinding against his own. He couldn't remember when he had ever been so aroused. Maybe he had never.

Hakkai pulled away to stare deeply into Gojyo's eyes; cool hands pressed lightly to either side of his throat, and a thumb placed under his chin, gently pushed up until Gojyo allowed his head to fall back. Gojyo's throat now exposed, Hakkai pressed feverish lips against it in butterfly-light kisses and delicious nips of teeth that sent tiny jolts of pleasure through the redhead's body. Gojyo reveled in these sensations as long as he could stand it. His breath was coming ragged now, and the desire to run his hands along every part of Hakkai's body was growing to an urgency he would soon be unable to control.

Abruptly, he placed his hands on Hakkai's shoulders, and pushed him gently but firmly away. He raised his head to look directly into the brunette's eyes, and ground out, "Hakkai… you have to stop. If you don't stop, I'll lose control. I've never wanted anyone like I want you right now, and if you don't stop me, I won't be able to."

Hakkai, eyes dilated and lips swollen from kisses, reached up to remove his monocle. Gojyo groaned as Hakkai, turning to place the eye piece on the table, ground against him again. As he returned to face Gojyo again, a small smile played about Hakkai's lips. He leaned down, caught Gojyo's lower lip between his teeth briefly.

"Please, _don't stop_."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 

Afterward, they showered, Gojyo gently cleaning the wound on his lover's back. They crawled back into bed, warm and safe in each other's arms. The rest of the night was spent alternating between sleep, talk, and gentle play, though Gojyo never entered Hakkai after that first time.

Eventually the two fell into deep sleep, not waking until afternoon sunlight filtered through the window. Even then, unwilling to relinquish their haven, they refused to get up right away, instead indulging in more private games, which left both very relaxed. Were someone to ask them at that time, they might even have admitted to being happy.

Hakkai lay curled luxuriously around Gojyo's lanky body, reveling in the feeling of comfort and safety he felt there. He was sore now, but he knew it would get better, and the intense pleasure he had experienced the night before made his discomfort very bearable. A heavy sigh escaped him. "I suppose we should get up soon. Goku will come bouncing in here any minute now, and I'd rather that he not see us like this, hmm?"

"Aa," Gojyo replied, sated, warm and comfortable – not at all inclined to get up, for the monkey or anyone else. "Are you sure we have to? Can't I keep you to myself a while longer?" He was surprised to hear himself say such things. He wasn't used to having relationships that spanned more than a few hours, days at the very outside. It was a new sensation to be jealous over his lover's time. Not entirely unpleasant, though.

Hakkai rolled out of bed, pulling on his pants as he did so. Gojyo watched appreciatively, and managed to leer only a little. The black sweater descended over the toned torso, and Gojyo heaved a sigh of regret. Hakkai walked over to the table and picked up his monocle.

Leaning back in the bed and folding his arms behind his head, "Oi, Hakkai. There's something I've wanted to ask you for a long time, now…"

"Go ahead. I'll smack you if I don't want to answer," he joked, a genuine smile on his face.

"How does that fucking monocle stay on?"

Hakkai laughed aloud as he crossed back to the bed. Leaning in to press his lips to his best friend and lover's, he thought, _Forgive me, Kanan, but you left me alive without you. Now I'm going to live._

End…?


End file.
